


Damn You Steve Carlsberg

by Darcyshire



Series: Nightvale College!AU and Other Prompts [2]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Carlos is the mom friend, Cecil is a drama queen, M/M, Pre-Slash, these two i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-06-30
Packaged: 2018-04-06 21:54:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4237959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darcyshire/pseuds/Darcyshire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I know parking spots aren't assigned but that spot is MINE." AU<br/>Or the one where Cecil jumps to conclusions, supersoakers are used, and Cecil is a drama queen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Damn You Steve Carlsberg

**Author's Note:**

> Have some cracky fun featuring Drama Queen!Cecil and Mom Friend!Carlos.

Carlos’s head snapped up as the door to his dorm was unceremoniously flung open, revealing a very pissed off Cecil Palmer. “

Carlos.” He growled, slamming the door shut so forcefully Carlos cringed. He was breathing heavily as if he had been running, blonde hair askew and messy. The blonde man was seething, pacing back in forth in silence, hands clutching his arms. Carlos had never seen Cecil this angry before. Sure, he had seen some mild annoyance when the T.V sometimes burst into flames (which, Carlos could never figure out the cause of) or the washing machine ate his socks again; but overall Cecil was a very cheerful and bright person…Besides all the existential rants and bouts melancholy monologues.

“Cecil, what’s wrong?” Carlos began, unsure of what to do. “Why are you –“

“It’s all. Because. Of. _Him_.” Cecil growled, striding forward and placing his hands on the kitchen table, silky blonde hair falling in his dark eyes. Carlos gulped, leaning back in his chair.

Ok, was it hot in here was it just him?

“W-who? Cecil?”

In that moment it seemed the whole room had darkened. Cecil’s head rose slowly, eyes meeting Carlos’s.

“Steve Carlsberg.”

. . .

Campus parking spaces aren’t assigned individually, but after a few months of parking in the same place it’s generally understood that that’s _your_ parking spot. So when Cecil saw a certain tan corolla with dull and dented hubcaps pulling into (what he deemed) _his_ parking space, he quite literally lost his shit. Now, if Cecil had gotten out of the car and confronted Steve like the adult he was supposed to be, he would have found that it wasn’t Steve Carlsberg at all. But, Cecil is not the adult that he is supposed to be, so he continued to curse loudly, hit reverse and speed away in the general direction of Carlos’s dorm.

. . .

“Can we set his car on fire?” Cecil asked. “I hate that corolla. He doesn’t even take care of it, Carlos! Have you seen its hubcaps? I’m sure we would be doing it a favor by putting it out of its misery!”

“Okay, Cecil, there are two things wrong with that. One, it’s a car; Scientifically Speaking, it is an inanimate object, so therefore doesn’t have feelings or emotions. And two, that’s arson, and we can go to jail for that.”

“Find his laundry basket and wash his whites with a red sock?”

“Too lame,” Carlos sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Besides, I don’t think he would mind it that much.”

“Well, I’ve never killed a man but-"

“We are not committing murder, Cecil!” After an afternoon bantering back and forth and picking apart each other’s plans, Cecil and Carlos finally hatched a plan that was both harmless and effective. Cecil bought the supplies and all that was left to do was wait.

. . .

The next day at high noon, both Cecil and Carlos lay in waiting under the old oak tree beside Cecil’s parking spot. They had with them two supersoakers and a bin of water balloons.

“Thinking about this now, I realize this isn’t a very good idea,” Carlos said as he fiddled with his supersoaker. “Why do I let you talk me into these things?”

“Shhhh!” Cecil hissed, slapping a hand in Carlos’s face. “He’s here!” Carlos blinked against the smudges Cecil’s hand left on his glasses, frowning. Through the smudges he could see the offensive Tan corolla pulling into Cecil’s spot, but something seemed wrong.

“Cecil –“

“Shhh!”

“Cecil I really don’t th-“

“Carlos, you’re going to give away our position! Alright, now!”

At that moment, Cecil leapt out from behind the tree as the alleged Steve Carlsberg stepped out of the car. Except it wasn’t Steve Carlsberg at all. Cecil realized this when his supersoaker was half empty and was being openly sprayed by Carlos, who was shouting at him to stop.

“I – oh no.” Was all Cecil said, biting his lip.

 _“Cecil Gershwin Palmer.”_ The person shouted, dropping a water soaked bag on the ground as they began to advance towards them.

“Oh, this isn’t good.” Cecil said softly, turning slowly around. He faced the person now, raising a hand meekly. “Oh hey, Abbie! I wasn’t expecting to see you here!” Carlos followed Cecil’s gaze, finding a silent fuming woman. She was soaked to the bone, clothes clinging to her dark skin. Her dark, dripping hair fell in her eyes, which were bright with anger.

“Your middle name is Gershwin?” Carlos asked, not taking his eyes off her.

“Not important right now.” Cecil said weakly as the woman strode forward.

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?!” She exclaimed, hands waving wildly. “You know what, don’t even answer that I don’t even want to hear your justification for this.”

“Abbie, wait, I can in fact explain this -"

“Really? And what explanation could you possibly have for this?”

“The car.”

“I'm sorry, what? What about it?”

“I thought you were Steve Carlsberg.” He blurted, smiling weakly. “I can see now that you’re not though. I’m sorry.” Abbie was silent a moment, eyes wide.

“Wait a minute, you were going to do this to Steve?”

“I mean yeah – wait a minute why does that matter?” Cecil asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Cecil, he’s my boyfriend.”

“No.” Cecil said, closing his eyes. “No way. _No_.”

“Cecil –"

No!” He moaned, burying his face in his hands. “Oh gods why? She was so young –"

“-I’m older than you--”

“-So innocent-"

“Oh my God, Cecil, grow up! This is so ridiculous and childish.” She checked her watch. “And now I’m late to class! Ugh, I’ll deal with you later.” She growled, picking up her slightly damp bag and, with a last threatening glance at both Cecil and Carlos, she was gone.

. . .

Cecil paced in Carlos’s living room once more as Carlos wrote his term paper, squinting into the bright computer screen.

“Oh Gods, she’s going to kill me,” Cecil’s voice was laced with panic, fingers carding through his damp hair. “What am I going to do?” he asked himself. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do,” he said firmly to himself. “I’m going to run away to Europe, grow a beard, find a wife, and have three beautiful children.”

“Cecil,” Carlos sighed, rubbing his temples. “Aren’t you blowing this out of proportion?”

“Oh Carlos, you sweet naïve soul, I can assure you I am not ‘blowing this out of proportion.’” Cecil replied, air quotes included. “The last time I pissed her off I suffered from nightmares so bad I didn’t sleep for a full week straight.”

“That’s not exactly healthy.”

“I know. They were awful and –“ he cut himself off with a gasp. “ _What if she calls mom_?!” he paced faster, pulling at his hair now as he frantically muttered nonsense to himself.

“Or,” Carlos said loudly, not looking up from his screen, “You could always just apologize to her.”

. . .

Two hours later they found themselves in Abbie’s dorm. Steve was present, sitting cross legged on the couch and holding his girlfriend’s hand, smiling.

“Cecil, do you have anything to say?”

“I’msorry.” Cecil mumbled, ducking his head quickly.

“Sorry, what was that?” Carlos asked, frowning.

“I’m sorry.” Cecil said, voice shaking. Abbie smiled, eyes softening as they met her brother’s.

“Better. Now, do you have anything to say to Steve?” Carlos asked slowly, smiling.

“Absolutely not!”

Carlos rolled his eyes, crossing his arms and frowning. “Cecil, come on!"

“Fine! Fine!....I’m…Sorry….Steve…Ugh, okay, bye!”

. . .

“See, that wasn’t so hard now – oh for goodness sake, Cecil!” Carlos exclaimed as he found Cecil hunched over his sink violently washing his mouth out with mouthwash.

“There, better now.” He gasped, towel drying his tongue and taking a long drink of water. Carlos leaned against the fridge, frowning.

“Are you done being overdramatic?”

“For now.”

. . .

The next morning, after leaving for his morning run (his roommate, Earl, reminded him to stay away from that weird forest at the edge of campus), Cecil was ambushed by both Abbie and Steve. She jumped from the bushes along his route, squirting him right in the face, giving a triumphant laugh.

“Alright,” he said, painfully blinking water out of his eyes. “I deserved that.”


End file.
